What to say to someone with breast cancer:
- “I am here to support you no matter what.“
- “I don’t know what to say.”
What not to say to someone with breast cancer:
- “If I was in your situation then I would….” But you are not in my situation so don’t try to second guess what you would do.
- ” My aunt/friend/neighbour had breast cancer and then she died.” Seriously, people do come up with these stories. I heard at least three!
- “You will be back to normal soon.” No I won’t. There is NO return to normalcy.
- “If you had done X, Y and Z/ not done A, B and C then maybe you would not have got cancer.” No, it doesn’t work that way.
- “Eating A, B, C can cure cancer.” NO. IT. CAN’T.
- “It’s only hair.” Yep, you can say that because you haven’t had to go and shave all your hair off.
- “But breast cancer is a good one to get.” No it isn’t. No cancer is a good one to get. All cancers are life threatening and have horrible treatment. And it is not a who-has-got-the-worst-cancer-competition.
- “You look well.” Don’t say this. I am not well. I am covered in makeup and probably a wig and trying my very best to look normal, but underneath it all I look like a red faced, chubby, hairless zombie.
- “Sorry I’ve been rubbish and not been in touch” or, “Sorry I haven’t been here for you, but I have had [X/Y/Z] going on in my life and just been so busy“. Have you been dealing with something as serious a life threatening illness and all the emotional and physical crap that a diagnosis and treatment brings? No? …
- “If it was me, I wouldn’t want to be defined by cancer.” OMG this is a belter! Where do I start with this one? It is so truly awful that I cannot even bring myself to explain why it is so awful.
And remember:
Don’t get upset and expect the cancer patient to support you.
Don’t look into the cancer details and talk to her about them – she may be trying to avoid anything like that.
Don’t assume that she no longer wants to see friends/go out for lunch and coffee/socialise. Of course she still wants to do all these things.
Don’t ignore her.
How to help someone with cancer: Zen Psychiatry ANYONE WITH A FRIEND OR LOVED ONE GOING THROUGH BREAST CANCER SHOULD READ THIS.
Macmillan: Advice on talking to, listening to, and understanding someone who has cancer.
Breast Cancer Now have a booklet for partners of someone diagnosed with breast cancer which you can download or order here.
